augh, taco del mar.

throwing up all of yesterdays food is pobaly the worst thing ever.
especially when its your alarm clock.

not having an orgasm for no reason.

It's possibly the worst feeling in the world,

because this is when you know that something is terribly wrong.

I love you, Gwen.

Sappy pathetic little me
That was the girl I used to be
You had me on my knees

I'd trade you places any day
I'd never thought you could be that way
But you looked like me on sunday

Oh you came in with the breeze
On sunday morning
You sure have changed since yesterday
Without any warning
I thought I knew you (whoa)
I thought I knew you (whoa)
I thought I knew you well... so well

You're trying my shoes on for a change
They look so good but fit so strange
Out of fashion, so I can't complain

Oh you came in with the breeze
On sunday morning
You sure have changed since yesterday
Without any warning
I thought I knew you (whoa)
I thought I knew you (whoa)
I thought I knew you well... so well

I know who I am, but who are you?
You're not looking like you used to
You're on the other side of the mirror
So nothing's looking quite as clear
Thank you for turning on the lights
Thank you, now you're the parasite
I didn't think you had it in you
And now you're looking like I used to!

You came in with the breeze
On sunday morning
You sure have changed since yesterday
Without any warning
And you want me badly
'cause you cannot have me
I thought I knew you (whoa)
But I've got a new view (whoa)
I thought I knew you so well... oh well

Ooh on sunday morning
Without a warning
Sunday morning
I thought I knew you
Sunday morning
Ooh you want me badly
Cannot have me
Sunday morning
Sunday morning
Sunday morning

Merry Happy

Watching me like you never watched no one
dont tell me that you didnt try and check out my bum
cause i know that you did cause your friend told me that you liked it
gave me those pearls and i thought they were ugly
don't you try and tell me that you never loved me,
i know that you did cause you said it and you wrote it down

dancing at discos
eating cheese on toast
yeah you made me merry
made me very very happy
but you obviously, you didnt want to stick around
so i learnt from you

can be alone
yeah
i can watch a sunset on my own
i can be alone
yeah
i can watch a sunset on my own
i can be alone
i can watch a sunset on my own

sitting in restaurants
thought we were so grown up
but i know now that we were not the people that we turned out to be
chatting on the phone cant take back those hours
but i wont regret cause you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be

dancing at discos
eating cheese on toast
yeah you made me merry made me very very happy
but you obviously, you didnt want to stick around
So i learnt from you

i can be alone
yeah
i can watch a sunset on my own
i can be alone
yeah
i can watch a sunset on my own
i can be alone
i can watch a sunset on my own
i can be alone
yeah
i can watch a sunset on my own
i can be alone
yeah
i can watch a sunset on my own
i can be alone
i can watch a sunset on my own

YOU ARE DUMB.

had you told the truth all along,
A) My hopes would not have been dashed so harshly.
B) My life would have been easier.
C) I would have never fucked you again.

as my father told me, "He doesn't care that you are hurt. He cares that its his fault he hurts you, and dosnet like that it makes him feel bad."
good going, asshole.

Yes, ive always been a strange one.

Journals. Thats what i had millions of. different sizes, shapes, colors, textures, but they were all journals. and in each journal, i had hundreds of stories, poems and songs. I had a butterfly one that contained all of my darkest stories. sometimes in the stories, the protagonists were being tortured and later killed because of their differences. A girl with red hair was forced to work in a brothel because of her Irish roots. People raided her Irish town and kidnapped all of the young girls and forced them into slavery. Nobody saved her, and she died from having her pelivs crushed. She bled to death. I must have been eight at the time i wrote that. I had always been a different kind of person. In kindergarden i got really pissed off when the substititute teacher i had a crush on started calling Karmen Shum "princess". i screamed at him one day, "She cant be a princess, She's Chinese!" of course, now i know better. i have all of these vivid memories coming at me at once. a girl named Cheyanne had a plastic false fishtank on her purple sweater that i was so jealous of. i used to play in the kitchen in the kindergarden class. i liked to play family the best, and i usually had a husband. I played with fuzzy felt food, and made delious meals that i later found out were not actually edible. Boys used to chase me with wooden tractors, and i would cry and pee on the carpet in fear. that stain in the Alexis Park library? oohyeah, that was me. i had to wear the teachers bathing suit for the rest of the day because i had peed all over my clothes. i had my first kiss from a boy named Bj, and afterwords he threw up on my foot. after that my lust was uncontainable. i would force boys to kiss me on the bus, and they would pull the emergency lever thing on the windows to freak me out so i would stop.
i had to deal with being hit with rakes, being hit with rocks, and being beaten up by a gaggle of boys just because i would sometimes chase them behind the portables to kiss them.
I remember once when i was being hit by rocks, a boy came and saved me. he chased them all away, and then he kissed me on the cheek. I told him he was my Knight in shining armour. He moved the next year. My list of crushes were long: Micheal Murrah, Tyler Selders, Jesse ?, Edwin Cruz, Lukas Rusak and the list goes on and on. Then in grade 5, i met my first love.
A.J Shook. I know the kid now, he's a totally grub. but back then he was so handsome. one night when we were having a campout, we slept right beside each other and cuddled all night. We danced together at the dance once, and he put his hand on my back. also, he used to chase me around the trees. and he threw his shoe at me. i knew i was in love, and i thought i was going to marry him. These feelings continued for him up to grade 8. and that was just the start of my tragically helpless-hopeless romantic childhood.

whom?

i will never be you. i will never be someone else. im afraid that all i can offer to anyone is myself. myself, me, Melody. a girl wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a dream wrapped in icy, watery blue. i have so many layers, i make onions jealous. i have emotions. complex feels and emotions maybe too difficult for even me to understand. There are alot of things i cant do in life, and i know that. sometimes i can be insensitive and judging. but i know that somewhere within all of my skin and blood and tissue and organs and bone, there is the ability to love. i know its there. but at times i feel that it will remain somewhere isnide of me, and it will never find its way out.
at times i believe it has peeked out from my shell, but i always second guess myself.
i feel that in my life everything i do is for some selfish "completley-melody" underlaying reason.

when i was younger, i would watch disney RELIGIOUSLY. Ariel and Eric, Belle and the Beast, Alladin and Jasmine, Phillip and Aroura, Li-Shang and Mulan. Maybe not Cindi and Snow, that love was so fake. (Like, honestly? All the one guy had to do was kiss this dead chick and she was all over him, and Cinderella was chosen out of one million girls because of her beauty. both were chosen because they were hot peices of ass, it had nothing to do with love.) I would watch these movies, and the love that all of them had was so pretty. it gave me this warm feeling. it made me cry. I would listen to the beatles with my parents on our way to vancouver, and they would sing to me. "All You Need is Love!" is what they would chime in my impressionable ears. and i believed it. every word. I still believe it. Love is all you need. but i worry that maybe i will never get that one thing i really want, the one thing that Movies and Songs and Books all tell me is the greatest thing on Earth. The idea of love mystifies me. Its the thing, the one thing in the world that is truly inexpensive. Its something we create from scratch. you dont even need to buy the eggs or the flour to make it. To me, love is the purest thing in the world. It makes me so happy to see others completley immersed in love, but it makes me sad to think that maybe i wont find that. i cannot see myself in the same position. And that hurts!

I used to think that if i gave my body away, love would come quicker. because whats more loving than making love? Now im stuck here. in a horrible Limbo. my libido is telling me one thing, and i hate it. My heart is telling me another, and it makes me cry. i dont want to listen to my brain, because its telling me the truth. and the truth sucks. i refuse to ever listen to it. i know i can change the truth, but do i even want to?
And how can i "Love Myself," when i dont even know which layer of my onion-like soul is the real me?

The laundry machine is noisy, my foot is asleep, and no matter how many times i begin on writing a song about my memiors, i can never finish it without hating myself more.