ode to the baseball woman.

once funtastic is over, i can not wait for you dirty, raunchy baseball women to leave.

Movin' on up!

summer.
How i love thee...i think?
of corse, i am afraid to live on my own in a couple of months.
but im getting there.
i can now successfully drive my little sidekick, AND its a standard.
i go for my N test on the 14th of july.
=]
Also, my parents are paying for my schooling, housing, food AND car.
meaning they are paying for it to get licenced.
WOOOH!

i have a job now, at taco del mar, and i am STOKED.
Weeeee! money!
to my dear friends, i can not wait to spend time with you this summer.
and to men, however many of you there may be... i apologize for my eyes.
they have a mind of their own.
ps. Olivia.
i miss you. call me. =]

I WILL NOT COMPLY, SIR.

Well, here i am.
stuck in yet another limbo.
No, i dont love him. but i did, at one time.
will those feelings come up?
YES. i believe they will.
but Fuck.
im going to get hurt anyways.
so why cant i get hurt with a little bit of sexy fun involved instead of just boring old hurt?
and who knows, maybe we can just be friends with benifits.
i feel sexual tension anyways, why not act on it?
we have our whole lives to act like adults and have relationships and love.
why cant we be sexy, horny, adventureous teenagers NOW, while we are all of those things?
Hurt comes along with love. Thats how it is.
i accept it.
but i want sex with it too.
i want to live in the moment.
im tired of living in the near future.
waiting for him to come home, waiting to be hurt, waiting for a new boy.
WAITING.
is that all that my life has come to?
i want ADVENTURE.
i want to go out and live underneath a waterfall, i want to go meet a horse and become its friend.
i want to build a treehouse, teach someone to bellydance, ride in a fire truck.
dance with fire.
I WANT TO LIVE.
and how can one live if shes stuck in limbo with parents who wont let her go, and an ex-boyfriend who is an awesome person, but an extremely moral one too?
there are times when i feel almost trapped.
trapped in this dumb world.
if only we could live in a world where nudity was accepted, and people acted on instinct, not on BRAIN.
where i could go swim in the lake instead of wading in it, just because some people died a few days ago.
come on.
people can die doing anything.
are we going to put restrictions and padding on everything just so people dont get killed?
i hope not.
No.
im getting dreads, im going skinny-dipping, i'll kiss whomever i damn well choose and i will light as many candles as my room will hold.
the real-estate agents dont like the smell of insence?
well they can kiss my ass.
i will continue to rebel.
i wont fit the norm.
i am nothing like any of you.

To the family.

The walls are closing in on me.
latley i have been feeling like i have receded back into the 5th grade.
parents dogging me at every turn, gving me no space to breathe on my own.
for fuck's sakes, im almost 18!
i want to be alone.
maybe i would want to go get a job if they werent nagging me to do so.
im not reatrded, or a child. i can think on my own.
i know what i have to do, and when i have to do it.
i do nopt need their pushing and guidance.
seriously, its making me so pissed off.
i have no room, no time on my own.
i feel incredibly depressed.
i feel like i will never escape them, like i will never get the opprotunity to be their friends.
i dont WANT to go to college my first year free.
i want to travel, but they tell me i cant.
you cant get dreadlocks, you cant stay at boy's houses.
Yeah, i have sex.
that doesn't mean that im going to have sex with every boy i see!
and come on. if i really wanted to have sex with a boy, do you think i would need a sleepover to do it?
the point of a sleepover is just that.
SLEEP.
Grrrr. and if i dont feel like driving, dont you think that means i dont want to drive right now?
so dont push me. cause its only going to start a fight.
PLUS. just because you have given me the freedom to drink doesnt mean you can take away other freedoms.
im only a bitch because you force me to be this way.
do you really think im like this to my friends?
no.
because they respect me and dont say bitchy things that hurt my feelings, then get pissed off when my feelings get hurt.
if you dont want to start fighting with me, doint start fighting with me! GOD.
is it really that hard to comprehend?
and duh, i have boy problems.
NO, i dont want to talk about it.
YES, i am going to be a whinny girl and cry about it because i feel like it.
That doesnt mean i want you to nose your way in.
although you are my parents, it is NONE of your buisness.
if i wanna talk about something, i will.

PS. mybe if once and a while you would talk to me about money problems, i wouldnt ask for money at the wrong times.
im an adult now, i know there is a recession, STOP KEEPING SECRETS.


PPS. i dont go to family gatherings because i feel that when you are gone that is my only time to be alone, dance and play guitar.
its not because of you, its me.